I feel invisible at times. I mean i suppose its not normally for me to feel that way, a big majority of teenagers dpo. Hoolywood makes movies and witers publish literature and composers write lyrics to be heard on the radio about feeling invisible. Its not abnormal. I think what leads me astray is my silent cockiness. I try to hide it or possibly ignore it. That "im it" factor. In the back of my head I think "im better than her", "she wishes she was me", "he wishes he could have me, never in a million years", "who wouldnt want to hear what i sau". I put myself above everyone else. My family, my friends. I see my beauty and im blinded by it. As me, I have these thoughtd in the back of my head and act upon them, either to get rid of the distatesful but flattering thought or to try to make myself look maybe vulnerable and turn around and stab that person in the back and have a silent glory. Its cruel and wicked. This pedestal, i love it but it messes up my thinking. And the more i lean on my little secrets the more i notice im not all i wrap myself up to be.
"Everyone wants to hear what I say" and "who wouldnt care, they obviously are jealous of me so they will want to know what i have to say". That bs in my head. No. In fact what i recall is whenever i try to say something of worth the person looks at me with attention then fades off. Psycholoically, ill be honest i do not know what they are doing but on my side since they dont give me an answer just fade off through my "monologue" as if i have nothing important to say and laugh at the joke i didnt fully annunciate and they didnt really hear. I shut down. And feel totally worthless.
"Everyone wishes they were me", for real I think so much of that i think of little to talk to anyone therefore how could they wish they were me if they dont know me. Leading to not a lot people know me. Leading to well maybe they dont really want to me, they just think they do, but im truthfully just not worth their time.
On and on concieted thoughts. Amidst that fact im trying to get other people. Rarely does anyone listen, really listen to someone else. Its always the "me" factor; this is not a foreign concept because it also is a popular Hollywood story line. People dont honestly care what you have to say 85% of the time. Most people jsut want you to hear their problems. Thats fact one.
I feel like with my thoughts i go overboard. Like if i think about a guy as "he wishes he could have me", i become really sweet as if to have sympathy on him, a real bitchy thing to do but in some way i think well at least he got attention.
Honestly, i want to have friends. I want to be equal with my friends in my head and in my world. I want to be open with my thoughts and share. I want people to know me. And believe me and what i say and listen to what i say. i want to make real relationships. I want to be honest with a guy. If i like him i like him. if i dont make it evident. if i just wnt to play around and thats it i need not to lead on his heartstrings and try to break his heart. And i need to stop thinking that just because Im alyssa dunham people will just bow at me feet and idolize me. I need to stop thinking im the most important thing in the world because in order to be important ive got to leave a mark. All i have been doing is fighting my conceited thoughts.
Evidently somewhere down the line i stopped being real, hid my true thoughts instead of dealing with them so i could see if i could get everyone to like me. I have been almost manipulating myself. Gee any longer and i could have had a split-personality if i dont already have it. I need to stop living in my head and face the world.
Im sick of feeling invisible. Unseen beyond my face and "bubbly personality". You know what bubble is? Its fake, its crap. quite frankly i always knew that but accepted it for personaility.
Another thing i need to wake up from is my stupidity. I should have not fought those who thought i was gullible because thats what i was. Blind as the darkest pitch black room could be. The greater good. All around me. The consideration. No. People arent considerate. People have little of that greater good. It all comes with a price or it holds from sympathy for the innocent. Stupid and a fool is the one that believes in that good. Why do I fight? Why do i flee from truth? Why do i refuse to guess and take a stab at the sad, realistic things of life and put my tab on the innocence of the world. Being nice doesnt cut it. It only stretchs so far. It gives good reason to scoff.
"Shes so sweet". Sweet. Mockery. Gullabilty is not something to be proud of. Understanding gets you no where. Understanding gets me no where. Well im waking up now. Im bringing out reality and hidding this understanding. The overly considerate nature i have. It gets me no where. People see right through me. There I was thinking I needed to have pity on the depressed of the world. Funny. yes, very humorous was I. No, instead, hilariously i need to see the pity was for me. For my innocence. Protect the innocence. The cruel world destroys it.
Show me hope and ill stop the cruelty. Psychologists, The catholic pope have it straight as wire, able to bend the view and way the want but read shock the human with an electricity jolt one could possible live through. After its all been said and done, then these wise rulers have reason to scoff. Mock and joke about the little sheep they have oh so carefully led away from reality.
Time to wake up. The alarm is way past overdue. Innocence is the child. Im no kid any longer. Good morning world. Who will we be murdering today?
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Dont get it
So what ever is going on i do not udnerstand! Ugh it seems my understanding skills are lessening all the time. Yes, i have a boyfriend. yes, i love him. Yes, i tell him everything. AND yes! He's jealous of my best friend. Why? I dont understand. Well yes i do understand the situation but i dont understand why he doesnt trust me. If you are in a relationship you are to trust each other, and this is not turning out maturely. Gee. And i mean dont i get to choose my own choices and befriend and be close to who i wish to be. I am individual. I am not married to my boyfriend. Thats the bottom line.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The how to explain, what was it... love?
If i only knew where to begin. life is so hard. Things around me feel like they are closing me in and rising above them would defeat the learning part of the whole idea. Things are tough and sometimes i want out, especially at home.
Sometimes i wonder how are you to write about love. I dont know. Although learning to actually fall in love and all that jazz this year. Well lets just say it did some good. He is in my life, my boyfriend. I mean thats all he started out as but every angle that i needed he is so far.
He understands me, and he understands other people. He has a compassion for others. He doesnt just ignore me, or not try to understand. And he not only does it with me, he cares about people. The very essence of people. Like I do, he tries to understand them even if he doesnt in the end, he tries. And that is also good because i connect there with him, he encourages me to keep trying to udnerstand because i see im not the only one that wants or tries to understand people.
He knows when iam not okay. He knows when i dont feel like everything in life is fine, he really sees. Many people dont even think anything could be wrong with me. Im a master hider. But he sees almost instantly, whether its just talking to him or whether its through my eyes. Its possible for me to hide my pain or me not being okay from anyone, but him, i cant. And for that im kind of glad because no matter how much i try he will see. Something i secretly want.
He wants to be pure in marraige, Being abstinate. Which is what i want. I mean that is saved for marriage. But he also stands where i stand, being physical. Like we can go far but not to too uncontrollable heights. And im glad we both have that same goal.
I just cant believe that i dunno how much we compliment each other. We connect through our seriousness. We connect through how we are "cute". We connect through our teasing.
And about that, teasing. With a guy i always imagined growing up i would have some guy someday that would be able to tick me off and i could really get into a passionate tease-fight. And i mean, we connect that way. And its kinda funny the guys i end up hving this relationship with, well other than the mean teasing i get shy. Its like their voice always seems to get me, make me speechless. And wouldnt you know it....he makes me speechless. Ha, sometimes i even feel bad he will be hanging out with me and start saying something to someone else (or even me) and I will hear his voice and when he is done talking, find myself not knowing what he just said but trying to get out of my gaze at him and snap back to reality.
I mean, i fal lfor him all the time. I can be vulnerable around him and not be scared. And oh my goodness, what i have always wished for, is to be surprised by his reaction...still i am. He surprises me all the time.
And if all of those things werent enough tonight, wow. He really set me off. We were having a serious conversation over facebook tonight and,i have a silly rule that i have to get off after an hour, anyhow that time was coming. I was saying goodbye after kind of sharing my heart with him yet again, and he surprised me tonight. I dont know how to explain it. But hm. example of this was a long time ago when i liked this other guy who lived in another state, he would say how he wished he could see me and tell me goodnight or see my expression, or see me and hug me, usually after a touchy subjct for me. Its like the guy, he guessed how important the topic i was talking to him about and then he would say that, to me its like after i showed him a real part of me that i only knew, he would still want me after that, and not even just like normal, he would want me more. And that me was the realest of me i get. So tonight, i shared with him some of my fears and after it all, he said i wish i could see you and tell you goodnight. That didnt just surprise me or make me fall for him again, it did something else. Im not sure what it did, but something deeper. Something that isnt really familiar to me.
In the end, i dont know how long i will be with this guy, but i am embracing every moment and every word we share.
Sometimes i wonder how are you to write about love. I dont know. Although learning to actually fall in love and all that jazz this year. Well lets just say it did some good. He is in my life, my boyfriend. I mean thats all he started out as but every angle that i needed he is so far.
He understands me, and he understands other people. He has a compassion for others. He doesnt just ignore me, or not try to understand. And he not only does it with me, he cares about people. The very essence of people. Like I do, he tries to understand them even if he doesnt in the end, he tries. And that is also good because i connect there with him, he encourages me to keep trying to udnerstand because i see im not the only one that wants or tries to understand people.
He knows when iam not okay. He knows when i dont feel like everything in life is fine, he really sees. Many people dont even think anything could be wrong with me. Im a master hider. But he sees almost instantly, whether its just talking to him or whether its through my eyes. Its possible for me to hide my pain or me not being okay from anyone, but him, i cant. And for that im kind of glad because no matter how much i try he will see. Something i secretly want.
He wants to be pure in marraige, Being abstinate. Which is what i want. I mean that is saved for marriage. But he also stands where i stand, being physical. Like we can go far but not to too uncontrollable heights. And im glad we both have that same goal.
I just cant believe that i dunno how much we compliment each other. We connect through our seriousness. We connect through how we are "cute". We connect through our teasing.
And about that, teasing. With a guy i always imagined growing up i would have some guy someday that would be able to tick me off and i could really get into a passionate tease-fight. And i mean, we connect that way. And its kinda funny the guys i end up hving this relationship with, well other than the mean teasing i get shy. Its like their voice always seems to get me, make me speechless. And wouldnt you know it....he makes me speechless. Ha, sometimes i even feel bad he will be hanging out with me and start saying something to someone else (or even me) and I will hear his voice and when he is done talking, find myself not knowing what he just said but trying to get out of my gaze at him and snap back to reality.
I mean, i fal lfor him all the time. I can be vulnerable around him and not be scared. And oh my goodness, what i have always wished for, is to be surprised by his reaction...still i am. He surprises me all the time.
And if all of those things werent enough tonight, wow. He really set me off. We were having a serious conversation over facebook tonight and,i have a silly rule that i have to get off after an hour, anyhow that time was coming. I was saying goodbye after kind of sharing my heart with him yet again, and he surprised me tonight. I dont know how to explain it. But hm. example of this was a long time ago when i liked this other guy who lived in another state, he would say how he wished he could see me and tell me goodnight or see my expression, or see me and hug me, usually after a touchy subjct for me. Its like the guy, he guessed how important the topic i was talking to him about and then he would say that, to me its like after i showed him a real part of me that i only knew, he would still want me after that, and not even just like normal, he would want me more. And that me was the realest of me i get. So tonight, i shared with him some of my fears and after it all, he said i wish i could see you and tell you goodnight. That didnt just surprise me or make me fall for him again, it did something else. Im not sure what it did, but something deeper. Something that isnt really familiar to me.
In the end, i dont know how long i will be with this guy, but i am embracing every moment and every word we share.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Summer 2011 Thinking...
Yes, i have been re-evaluating a lot of things in my life this summer. The first real season of my life that i havent been busy or made myself busy. I have been moreso allowing life to affect me. Not the other way around. I think a lot during it all. For one thing i think i may have just found the man i want to spend my life alongside. I beleive i know what i am going to do for a career and what i will do with my life at least for a few years to come. Maybe not everything but I have an idea. Things have been on my mind recently however.
I think things are getting pretty serious in my life. I may be wrong but in the end im coming into a new chapter. My man, well he is going to the military. I have decided that i will accept it gradually. Just how I am taking this summer, on the day of school I will allow my life to take on different course, Im not there yet Im still in summer.
I think this will be hard for me but im not there yet. Thats why I am going to write about today, not tomorrow. Today, I am working on learning patience. Quite frankly i dont know what to dwell on. But my boyfriend he gave me this idea...He is very patient see. And he said that when he has to wait he has time thnk. Well i have always been so fast about things and when i think about something i come to a conclusion and dont think anymore about it, then i thought about this fact a litttle more and then i remembered honestly i have found myself not thinking about something thoroughly. I suppose I would have had more of a thorough thought if I actually did use up that waiting to think. Now problem number one at the top of my head is I havent seen my boyfriend since last sunday and I cannot see him probably till saturday or sunday. I dont know how to think about that, honestly he is the only person I care to see. Anyhow I need to accept that i wont see him till then. Now there are the circumstances I need to think about. Right now he is not the only thing in my life.
I will be have to be worring about school around the corner. Then I need to be focusing on getting a job. Getting back into sync with singing. Maybe even getting in a recording studio. I have found whenever I am doing something and not just sitting wondering what i should do, i tend to not be so upset about not being able to see my boyfriend. I can let go a little and not think about changing my circumstances that instant. Please do not get me wrong, i am not obsessive, its a matter of patience. And if it is turning to obsession I am working on balancing that, i promise!
On the other hand I am thinking right now that maybe just sitting around and spending some time to think isnt such a bad idea after all, but rather refreshing even. Balance with time spent on thinking comes after time as all thngs seem to, so dont just wait but use that waiting time living. Whether if that time living is simply thinking and evaluating, appreiating, I believe its still worth it.
Point. I do miss my boyfriend. Point. There is other things i probably should begin to focus on and also point if not then its okay to begin this new discovery of getting the idea of patience.
I have wanted to write in my blog for quite sometime. But now that it comes to it I do not necessarily know what to blog about. Hey, i just might think about it. A blog isnt rolled out of the cards, at least just yet.
I think things are getting pretty serious in my life. I may be wrong but in the end im coming into a new chapter. My man, well he is going to the military. I have decided that i will accept it gradually. Just how I am taking this summer, on the day of school I will allow my life to take on different course, Im not there yet Im still in summer.
I think this will be hard for me but im not there yet. Thats why I am going to write about today, not tomorrow. Today, I am working on learning patience. Quite frankly i dont know what to dwell on. But my boyfriend he gave me this idea...He is very patient see. And he said that when he has to wait he has time thnk. Well i have always been so fast about things and when i think about something i come to a conclusion and dont think anymore about it, then i thought about this fact a litttle more and then i remembered honestly i have found myself not thinking about something thoroughly. I suppose I would have had more of a thorough thought if I actually did use up that waiting to think. Now problem number one at the top of my head is I havent seen my boyfriend since last sunday and I cannot see him probably till saturday or sunday. I dont know how to think about that, honestly he is the only person I care to see. Anyhow I need to accept that i wont see him till then. Now there are the circumstances I need to think about. Right now he is not the only thing in my life.
I will be have to be worring about school around the corner. Then I need to be focusing on getting a job. Getting back into sync with singing. Maybe even getting in a recording studio. I have found whenever I am doing something and not just sitting wondering what i should do, i tend to not be so upset about not being able to see my boyfriend. I can let go a little and not think about changing my circumstances that instant. Please do not get me wrong, i am not obsessive, its a matter of patience. And if it is turning to obsession I am working on balancing that, i promise!
On the other hand I am thinking right now that maybe just sitting around and spending some time to think isnt such a bad idea after all, but rather refreshing even. Balance with time spent on thinking comes after time as all thngs seem to, so dont just wait but use that waiting time living. Whether if that time living is simply thinking and evaluating, appreiating, I believe its still worth it.
Point. I do miss my boyfriend. Point. There is other things i probably should begin to focus on and also point if not then its okay to begin this new discovery of getting the idea of patience.
I have wanted to write in my blog for quite sometime. But now that it comes to it I do not necessarily know what to blog about. Hey, i just might think about it. A blog isnt rolled out of the cards, at least just yet.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Life as we know it.
Who knew. Life and relationships would catch up to me so fast. I feel like I actuually am a girl tonight. Too much on one heart. Lately I have been close to a guy, and I mean really close. We are dating yet but I think he might just ask me tomorrow. I have shared a big part of my heart with him. He understands me and he is there for me. He makes me smile on accident and on purpose. He is everything I would want in a guy. I think after meeting him tomorrow my parents will have a different light about him. I just cant see how my parents wouldnt want me to go with a guy like him. He made a bad past record on my parents score but lately he has really shown himself to be different. Anyway I wanted to mend some things before just going into a relationship from past relationships.
For one, I made up with my past boyfriend. something I realized was I got really hurt when I was dating him. And that after emotions lasted just up till recently, The wounds are finally closing. Anyway tonight I apologized to him and he said he forgave me. The thing with him was I didnt know him well at all or very little and I never talked to him about breaking up with or anything I just broke up with him twice. It was really mixed up but I fell under the pressure of everyone around me. I decided that no longer will I allow myself to be pressured by others to make life decisions. This guy now, is my choice. But Im standing with him too. Im not standing alone anymore.
Next tonight I apologized to a boy I grew up with and had many I guess situations problems with. It was like a like hate relationship. Well he is 18 now and I 17. Its much different now. We just dont talk. I figured before I close him off of my life I should make restitution and admit I was wrong for one thing. In high school at church camp he ahd asked me to change a very showy and immodest shirt I was wearing and I blew him off. I think that what I said to him may have led or helped lead him to how he treats girls these days. So in the end at least he would know not all girls are stereotypes and not care what guys think and therefore should be used. I apologized and that was that.
Tonight was pretty tough on me. But Tomorrow I can see hopefully soon to be my guy. And just hang out with him and allow these past time regrets to clear and mend slowly but surely and embrace what is before me. After all I dont think Ihave ever liked or felt so full with anyone else before...although it was only enternet that kept us together so hopefully this will change a bit in the weeks to come. I would like that.
With this relationship I have decided to be honest and true no matter what I want to say or want to avoid. To be real. And to not make anything ourt of nothing to not say something I dont mean. To be real and upfront about my here and now feelings not just the ones I wish I had. So I must I like him. And whatever he is in my life I hope it grows to something bu that really that he is always there.
I am ready to fall for someone. To experience things that I havent ever experienced before and to risk a little. To allow somone into my heart not just somewhat into my heart. I going to be open and honest with him. And I want to feel things I have only dreamt of feeling like. SO here it is. Lets see where it goes.
For one, I made up with my past boyfriend. something I realized was I got really hurt when I was dating him. And that after emotions lasted just up till recently, The wounds are finally closing. Anyway tonight I apologized to him and he said he forgave me. The thing with him was I didnt know him well at all or very little and I never talked to him about breaking up with or anything I just broke up with him twice. It was really mixed up but I fell under the pressure of everyone around me. I decided that no longer will I allow myself to be pressured by others to make life decisions. This guy now, is my choice. But Im standing with him too. Im not standing alone anymore.
Next tonight I apologized to a boy I grew up with and had many I guess situations problems with. It was like a like hate relationship. Well he is 18 now and I 17. Its much different now. We just dont talk. I figured before I close him off of my life I should make restitution and admit I was wrong for one thing. In high school at church camp he ahd asked me to change a very showy and immodest shirt I was wearing and I blew him off. I think that what I said to him may have led or helped lead him to how he treats girls these days. So in the end at least he would know not all girls are stereotypes and not care what guys think and therefore should be used. I apologized and that was that.
Tonight was pretty tough on me. But Tomorrow I can see hopefully soon to be my guy. And just hang out with him and allow these past time regrets to clear and mend slowly but surely and embrace what is before me. After all I dont think Ihave ever liked or felt so full with anyone else before...although it was only enternet that kept us together so hopefully this will change a bit in the weeks to come. I would like that.
With this relationship I have decided to be honest and true no matter what I want to say or want to avoid. To be real. And to not make anything ourt of nothing to not say something I dont mean. To be real and upfront about my here and now feelings not just the ones I wish I had. So I must I like him. And whatever he is in my life I hope it grows to something bu that really that he is always there.
I am ready to fall for someone. To experience things that I havent ever experienced before and to risk a little. To allow somone into my heart not just somewhat into my heart. I going to be open and honest with him. And I want to feel things I have only dreamt of feeling like. SO here it is. Lets see where it goes.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Unconditional Love
This idea all started a few weeks back. As a Christian, a follower and child of God, I can see His love, He gives me real love and He shows me the mystery of it. As His child He gives me unconditional love. It says in the Bible no one can know the depths, the height how wide, his love is.
Personally I want to give love. Now ever since I can remember I have always tried to be careful with how much I give of my heart or love someone. I dont want hurt. I asked myself the other day, if I want to have an uncoditional love for others then why am I not there? I thought of the love chapter. For me, 'Love is not proud". Its a pride thing.
I have always struggled with the fear what if I love this person too much, what if I allow a Love and I just keep giving it out to this person and then I find out he doesnt love me as much as I love him? And not only that but he shames me. With the love I give I feel vulnerable, the more love the deeper vulnerability.
I am secured by the amount love I allow. If I control I dont have to lose a reputation or I dont allow myself to be kicked around. This is one of my greatest fears. I never knew I had a fear until I looked under my pride.Under that proud and puffy wall comes a vulnerablity and fears one doesnt want to allow to be touched.
I dont want to get hurt. But then I look at God. My savior. He gives this unconditional love without hestation. His weakness is stronger than mans strength and we basically know nothing compared to our creator.And he gives this love to every one of His children He doesnt even second guess if the person is worth it or not. I know Im not worth God's love yet He gives me more than I can see.
If I could I would. What do I do. I dont want to get hurt and I dont want to give up my pride to act like a fool out of love. What have I to gain out of this? I dont know.
One thing I do know is before I get married I think my husband should deserve all the love I can give.
Okay look. I am gonna try this but I think I am only gonna start with God. I am going to start by trying to give God all the love that my heart has and then Ill let God help me out with this sturggle.
Personally I want to give love. Now ever since I can remember I have always tried to be careful with how much I give of my heart or love someone. I dont want hurt. I asked myself the other day, if I want to have an uncoditional love for others then why am I not there? I thought of the love chapter. For me, 'Love is not proud". Its a pride thing.
I have always struggled with the fear what if I love this person too much, what if I allow a Love and I just keep giving it out to this person and then I find out he doesnt love me as much as I love him? And not only that but he shames me. With the love I give I feel vulnerable, the more love the deeper vulnerability.
I am secured by the amount love I allow. If I control I dont have to lose a reputation or I dont allow myself to be kicked around. This is one of my greatest fears. I never knew I had a fear until I looked under my pride.Under that proud and puffy wall comes a vulnerablity and fears one doesnt want to allow to be touched.
I dont want to get hurt. But then I look at God. My savior. He gives this unconditional love without hestation. His weakness is stronger than mans strength and we basically know nothing compared to our creator.And he gives this love to every one of His children He doesnt even second guess if the person is worth it or not. I know Im not worth God's love yet He gives me more than I can see.
If I could I would. What do I do. I dont want to get hurt and I dont want to give up my pride to act like a fool out of love. What have I to gain out of this? I dont know.
One thing I do know is before I get married I think my husband should deserve all the love I can give.
Okay look. I am gonna try this but I think I am only gonna start with God. I am going to start by trying to give God all the love that my heart has and then Ill let God help me out with this sturggle.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Thought paid for thought.
I wonder if we think about a person as much as they do us. Maybe its not at the same time. But the amount of effort over time is the same. I wonder how **** got over me. I knew he liked me he told me he did and I thought he was crazy but I got beyond the interest he had in me and stayed his friend. Now here I am head over heels told him and its still like he doesnt feel the way i do. Its my problem.
Its always hard for me to fall for a guy this hard becuase they nevre return the same amount of interest. Theres always something wrong with me. Is there something wrong with me? Or does everyone get like this too....
If this thought paid back for a thought is real. Then maybe it would be okay with me to give my thoughts to a guy that I really like.
I think at other times I just want to think about a guy in my life and want a romance with him. I want something.
And another thing. It always seems like no matter how close you live together it doesnt matter becuase your so far away. I have made friends in my town, I connect with them but I feel so far away. I may even say I feel closer to people that dont live here.
I want intimacy. A close friend. Someone. I have my family, that keeps me sane. I wonder though when I will get a close friend like the one that moved to Idaho or fall for someone that I can not only be spiritually intimate with but physically.
Silly and awkward things I may be admiting, but true as the day sky is blue. As I grow up I am starting to realize Im a lot more alone than I thought I was. God and me. Thank goodness God is here and made himself available for a relationship with me.
Things get hard sometimes. I just want to call someone and talk to them, confide my heart into them, lean on his shoulder and he holds me close. And I want to be that for someone else too. Life is hard. I dont know why but some people have seen some pretty \tough stuff and it doesnt just end and a rainbow appears, its a consistant pain. I dont know why life does that to people. We all get it sometimes, maybe it is true: God made life this way so we could run back to Him and have Him hold us. Through this, these bigger than us circumstances, God can shine through and show Himself truely bigger than anything he created.
I have always thought I wanted independance and I could carry myself. Im may be able to handle it, maybe it wasa power thing that I sought out, but each new day I want someone depend on, I dont want to push everyone away I want to lean on someone.
I know Im not the only one feeling these things. No reason to be sorry for myself. I just need to be patient, learn through this, and wait for God to bring that someone into my life. I may be giving up a lot of pride just for this dependance. But pride, it fades away and stumbles the taker. Decietful and unfullfilling, always making a thirst for more. Nothing to sincerely strive for.
Its always hard for me to fall for a guy this hard becuase they nevre return the same amount of interest. Theres always something wrong with me. Is there something wrong with me? Or does everyone get like this too....
If this thought paid back for a thought is real. Then maybe it would be okay with me to give my thoughts to a guy that I really like.
I think at other times I just want to think about a guy in my life and want a romance with him. I want something.
And another thing. It always seems like no matter how close you live together it doesnt matter becuase your so far away. I have made friends in my town, I connect with them but I feel so far away. I may even say I feel closer to people that dont live here.
I want intimacy. A close friend. Someone. I have my family, that keeps me sane. I wonder though when I will get a close friend like the one that moved to Idaho or fall for someone that I can not only be spiritually intimate with but physically.
Silly and awkward things I may be admiting, but true as the day sky is blue. As I grow up I am starting to realize Im a lot more alone than I thought I was. God and me. Thank goodness God is here and made himself available for a relationship with me.
Things get hard sometimes. I just want to call someone and talk to them, confide my heart into them, lean on his shoulder and he holds me close. And I want to be that for someone else too. Life is hard. I dont know why but some people have seen some pretty \tough stuff and it doesnt just end and a rainbow appears, its a consistant pain. I dont know why life does that to people. We all get it sometimes, maybe it is true: God made life this way so we could run back to Him and have Him hold us. Through this, these bigger than us circumstances, God can shine through and show Himself truely bigger than anything he created.
I have always thought I wanted independance and I could carry myself. Im may be able to handle it, maybe it wasa power thing that I sought out, but each new day I want someone depend on, I dont want to push everyone away I want to lean on someone.
I know Im not the only one feeling these things. No reason to be sorry for myself. I just need to be patient, learn through this, and wait for God to bring that someone into my life. I may be giving up a lot of pride just for this dependance. But pride, it fades away and stumbles the taker. Decietful and unfullfilling, always making a thirst for more. Nothing to sincerely strive for.
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