I Realized Something.

I have decided something today. See theres a lot of things going on in my heart, this is somewhat of a sequal to my other most recent post. Its kinda funny how so much less time can change such bug things so quickly. Maybe its becuase the most important things in our life are so important to our heart and maybe even being that they are the most unsteady things in your life.

Alright, so this is my basis about guys beyond the one thats exempt. After reading some of the book I Kiss Dating Goodbye and upon my personal opinion dating other guys until Im ready to get married or until I am ready to match the amount of physicalness and romance I want with the guy with committment. Its dumb. Reason A, by the book, I am or he is being selfish if all we want of this is a "relationship" and we take away from what the relationship and relationships could be. Reason B, my opinion, the idea that I thought abt relationships is not in the reality I have now and that is right in front of my face. I try to put two different scenarios that make no sense together. Scene 1 I think that the guy and I will have a great relationship, he could stop being a player to want something serious, these relationships even though that they arent really meaning anything we could both act committful and serious in the relationship but thats when the worlds reality scene 2 comes into play; people then take this relationship that a girl like me has and they dont want serious they dont want committment, those are the very things they run from. No. They dont want that at all, They want what you have to offer and then move on no matter what their heart may be telling them. It just aint worth it to me.

So basically after figuring these few pieces of information I was like okay I think that maybe I dont want to date right now I can wait on God that actually sounds like a good idea! Especially about that part that is the measure of intimacey should be balanced out with the measure of commitment in a relationship. I like that.

Then the book goes on to say that being single is a gift we should serve and be able to give. That to me sounds like a brilliant idea! I would love to do that! Absolutely love to do that in this time! What I realized here is when I like a guy a put a lot of my effort into the relationship and getting to him, so much that I unconsciously start drifting from serving and giving into this meaningless relationship that this fling would turn into and I just wasted some of my time on being single.

So then I had my plan set. I would be friends with guys until the time was right, stay single and wait for my committment and intimacy levels matched in my mindset, and then also be giving out my effort towards service and giving. This was a wonderful idea, bit with the idea of "this is excepting **** ******* so its no big deal". See to me it wasnt because I do have the equal committment that i would intimacy. If he asked me to marry him I would say I do in a heartbeat. But one little problem remains, he doesnt live here.

Now girls let me tell you something falling for someone that does not live near you is not ideal. Its not as peachy as it would seem listening to the song "Lucky" and thinking you will see him again someday, may sound romantic but it kills you inside to think you dont have the gaurantee of seeing him again. To think about how disconnected you are from each other.

This relationship is the most confusing relationship I have ever had with another person, I would be willing to fight for it but I cannot if he does not exchange the fight. Me and him is hard to explain. On tour it was easier and Im sure it would be even more easier on a regular day in a regular lifestyle with each other a part of it, I dont know what its like to be around him in this kind of life I can dream all I want but only hope for such a thing, it seems like it turns into more of a miracle each day. For days, months, even years I have wanted to see his face, hear his voice, feel  the touch of his hand, embrace him. The more you dream it seems more of a dream, something so close to your heart but too far away to touch.

I dont know if he really knows how I feel and I dont know if I really know how he feels, this part of our relationship is disconnected. Its almost like we have to label each other in order to talk about us or serious or the relationship. Me being the in love fanatic and him the friendship seeker annoyed with all the other approaches. I mean maybe that is how it is for him, but the guy I knew three years ago wasnt like that, definate yes but not a complete jerk, but maybe based on today I was wrong and yeah maybe I hsould just see that people change. Why is that so hard for me to get in my head? All I know is that for me its not like that at all, thats just surfacing, I want him as my friend. He is one of my closet friends. I want to know more about him and be able to encourage him as a sister in Christ but he doesnt see that no matter how I try to say that with words. I try to tell him my heart when the only way such a thing can be done is through person.

Its so disconnected. Amazing how you can use so many words but the only thing that goes the length you want it to go comes almost purely through eyes. The eyes are the pathways to the soul. He hasnt seen my eyes for3 years he has no idea what I am trying to say. And him vice versa. I dont know what he means when he says something. Whether its serious or playing around.

Something I miss a lot is the playing around. When he was cocky or arrogent I could see it in his eyes and easily kick him off his high horse whether it was just jocking or a smack in the face as "stop being stupid" gesture. I cant do that. And that was the basis of the relationship for my side, the messing around and the learning for the both of us. This is just simply not done not in person, and its a basis.

Look, I may not not how he vents or if he even has to vent thats beyond the point. For me. I have to vent  I have to find a way to deal with my feelings. I have no idea where he is at in his life. I know he is so much more than what he writes on paper. I know from experience he was never much good at writing. He kinda sucked. But as a person in person he was a person very important to me. Going along with this theory I cant do this anymore. He may be totally different and still suck at writing. I cant base on something I dont know.

This is hard for me because I know there can be so much potential is this relationship, so  much power, so much yet to discover. I dont know that if we begin to disconnect completely now that we will ever be connected this strong again. I dont want to lose that. I dont want to lose this relationship. Priceless. But when one sucks at writing and doesnt want to get on a phone and chat then I just cant work with that. I have to let go. I really dont think theres any other choice here. No matter what I want or dream or even desire it just cant be anymore. It just cant.Something this great I thought could last but I guess heres another smack from reality this just cant last.

Ive got some memories. Better for me to keep and hold on to those and try to move on. I would rather remember these than keep going as we are and be only stuck with the bad ones, rotten, misinterpreted, and hurtful. There is a time for everything. At time to embrace and a time to resist embracing Ecclesiates 3.

I just cannot continue with a relationship that would start with the words shut up and then keep moving on with him for it only to get worse.

Dont get me wrong its not wrong to hope and believe, for all you have continue to do that and never let that go. Keep believing and hoping for what you cannot see. This relationship could have ended a lot sooner or a lot later but I would rather end it now and save us both a lot of heartbreak. I still cannot believe Im just choosing this. I guess words are a lot stronger than I thought, especially when thats all a person gets.

What will I take away from this end? I hate the words shut up. They tear someones heart apart and stab them in the back. What was once a sweet taste on my tongue has turned into a sour memory leaving both a stench in the air and a pain in my teeth, leaving a stain I hope to wash out with a white out called the future.