Im still here!

Yes, yes I havent written in quite some time. I havent had really much of a reason to, I dont really need to write now, maybe because of my new outlook on life, although I have decided to do so tonight just because I can and I will.

Right now life is life, I feel as though Im living it to its fullest and I am enjoying every moment whether dull, tiring, or exciting, I am living it! And quite frankily before this time in my life I have been missing living life how I am now. Now my reason for this blog? Well many reasons could always do for life has its ups and its downs. Life isnt just one simlistic outlook, it has many things coming from each and every side.

Tonight I shall write about something my heart is leaning towards. Yes, it may be a lost cause or it may never change. Although I still think its best to write about it the most simplest way I can.

Now what on earth is on my heart? Two words. A name.  My someone. He came into my life three years ago, I feel so oddly about this sometimes. I have this bond with him I didnt have on our tour, becuase I was way too young to realize what this feeling Im feeling now was and two I wasnt supposed to have a mindset of this sort on such a tour. This bond is kinda fullproof. We havent seen each other for years. If we did just like each other we would get over it plain and simple, although the one thing is we havent.

I think about him more than I wish to sometimes. I wonder what he is like on a regular day. I have since three years ago dreamt of us seeing each other again, what we would do how we would act and what he would look like. There really hasnt been a day when he s not on my mind at leatst once recently.

How do I feel about thinking about a guy when I havent seen for years? Well I actually feel kind of odd. Quite honestly, I am not sure if I love him. See there was a time when I thought I did, a few months ago, but then I realized that, after he told me he cared for me but probably not as much as I cared for him, that I havent seen him in three years...a lot can happen in that much time. People change. I have changed he has changed. We will interact different. So I kind of changed my thinking. Now I tell him pretty much everything, yes we are that close, although the only way he would know what I am about to say is not by exact words but by implied conversations.

I think that now I think of this guy as were kinda starting over with a clear slate. I mean it only sounds reasonable. Why build on the people we were three years ago, in jr high, when we can just be who we are now and see if we can connect that way? So far I have liked how we have been in conversation. I mean dont get me wrong, its kinda tuff to almost ignore how I have known and had the idea of what he looked like and acted like a few years ago, but thats also sort of like an explanation of a quote new start. Im okay with this.

Sometimes though I still dont know what to think about me and him. Its kind of like a disconnected thought. I mean we are starting to talk not as our 14-yearold selfs but as our 17-yearold selfs but I mean its not like we still dont talk about the possibility of spending the rest of our lives together, getting married, traveling, seeing each other. Its almost hard to know what to think.

Now normally, I dont like to tell other people about me and this guy and how I feel. To others they see this as either a fantasy that I will soon get over and they should laugh at or this as a possibility that only God can work out, and dont get me wrong if we are together it will be by God but then again isnt everything established by God and nothing is a coincedence. I mean yes this is a very long shot. who can blame them? I dont, I mean I believe in me and him but others I dunno if they really get this relationship we have. This is so disconnected.

Why am I hanging on to this one guy right? I mean you might be saying theres other fish in the sea. to tell the honest truth I have no clue! I have tried to let go, I mean look for a guy that is actually right in front of me not hundreds of miles away. I dont think I have ever met someone in my life that has been such an influencial and strong relationship like this relationship I have with this guy. He inspires me. He encourages me. He makes me laugh. He and I click. Sometimes I wonder why he would have any interest in me. And most importantly he loves God and he wants to be a pastor! I think that personally, is superly sexy. I mean that may make absolutely no sense to anyone else, but to me? It makes perfect sense.

Again honestly if God wanted to give this to me I would be overjoyed I wouldnt know what to do. Having the best of both worlds would be able to be a rock pop singer and following this entertainment career of acting and singing and dancing till my early twenties and then after that, marry him. Live my life as a wife and mom and me and him could tour the world and give to other countries and do missions and stuff! That would be soo cool! I would love that! No doubt that would be the best of both worlds....Now does the sound of having a "family" meaning having children right now sound very pleasurable..to be honest? No way. But thats because its now and I am young, I am not ready to be married and I am not ready to raise kids right now, I still have three younger siblings and this idea of having kids and having the pain of childbirth does not sound too peachy.

Right now that lifestyle is not my goal. Right now specifically I want to act sing and dance. I want to give and serve God. Thats what I want to do with my effort and time. I am still young and there is so much to live up to. I am so thankful I am a child of God, He challenges me so much and He loves me uncoditionally. I love my life. In the future i cannot see myself getting married if I cannot either marry this man I know or if I cannot find someone that is in my heart just like he is.

Oh boy, is this a confusing relationship and thought process but I wouldnt give this relationship up for anything. Sometimes I try to disconnect myself. I have been starting think though that maybe I should just allow what happens to happen. I may disconnect myself, I will allow that to happen. I may try to connect with him and I will allow it to happen. I can handle this just like we handle everything else. If I am mad at him and we are in fight, we are in a fight and its gonna be worked out after we are both equally stubborn, no idea that works out that way but you know hey it works. And also if I feel like talking to him about deep things and about the future then when it happens I allow it to happen and allow the intriguing feelings to come.

What we have is priceless. If I or he were to die tomorrow at least I would know with this relationship we lived it to the fullest.

You know if I were to like another guy or consider a relationship with him normally I would, well actually the only guy exempt from this is the guy this whole blog is about, think about my restrictions, I cant think this guys hot or at least not plain out admit it, I cant flirt with other guys, or rather talk to them becuase then its like I accendently flirt and yadda yadda, and this list goes on and on. With this guy on the other hand, I dont think anyone could be more attractive than him, his heart his personality his relationship with God what he looks like everything is attractive to me, and then I wouldnt be flirting with any otherguys because quite honestly I dont think I would want to talk to any other guy besides him. Maybe Im biased but you know what I dont care and it doesnt really matter much. All I know is this guy is the most sexiest guy I have ever met. Funny how that works out, you wouldnt think pastor and sexy could be in the same sentence...oops I guess I broke the rules, He would make a sexy pastor. I am rulebreaker, moving on.

Oh gee, the reason I wrote this blog? Well its my heart and my views and maybe I will see how I have changed or I will look back and see where my heart was, for there is no way I can realize, even if someone told me, how my heart is or what state my heart is in, and so either way they are both pretty good explanations for why this blog was written. If this previous sentence doesnt cover my reasoning then in other words, welcome to my heart.