In Pending

Did you know the action of "letting go" is a lot easier said than done. All I want to be is already done with all of this hurt Im going through. Right now I definately have mixed emotions. I feel like a new chapter of my life is about to begin to be written. But I am at the end of this one. You know when you pick up a book and you get into it. You eventually come to a section in the book, maybe even at the end of a chapter, where there is so much detail and its drags you in so much you just have to read it over and over. Well Im here.

For everything I am feeling right now I dont want to keep going with letting him go. I just have to look at a photo of me and him and my stomach feels like it just buckled and my heart skips a beat. Its killing me inside...and I dont even know why. The only thing is that for the thousands of reasons I have come up with and then got rid of as unreasonable for letting go of him I have finally found one with meaning. Sole-proof. A reason so clear and pure that it goes right through the expansion and pulls up the thread that tightens and makes the diverse between the two areas.

I still canot believe he so bluntly told me to shut up. He has never done that to me or said that to me before. When I read those words, I was taken aback. I was completely surprised. I was not expecting that. No matter what I had said before no matter how far I have gone he never would even thought about saying such a thing to me. Its beyond my belief that such words would be written from him.

After I cross this bridge I know there will be much more of a chance to simply live life again. In the present day not lingering on things in the past. I can see Gods will. I wont have to be bored anymore and be sitting around my house aimlessley. I can be busy again. I can have more meaning to my day. I can be seeing more people than I can handle and having more good convos with other people than I can remember. Ill have a full day again. Have that silly but important purpose of living again.

I want to be busy again and take up opportunity again. But I think that also includes leaving him behind. I need time away from him. Away from looking at his facebook again and again. In order for me to let go of him I think I may just have to let go of him completely. I have to back track. I have been to close to him. No matter how I tried to not display my feelings all the time it was still evident. He said that our relationship was being pushed towards bf/gf by me. I didnt want that at all. Thats what he thinks though. I dont want that. I want his friendship not one or the other. Stating the fact that I was too close. And I have been.

I need to begin to start growing relationships here where I live and becomming close to people that live in my hometown. I live here and I should have thriving and abundant relationships here where I live. God put me here and I need to use this time and this opportunity. Sitting back and growing relationships with people that dont live here does not benefit my life well at all look at me and ****.

In  growing one relationship you may ruin another. I have got to stop doing this. Its not very productive nor very wise.

Again no matter what I do theres no way besides through out of how Im feeling right now. How exactly do Ifeel? oh gee even if I knew. Greif of knowing I may be losing out. A regret of letting go and moving on. Sad that I know this is the only wise choice I can take and in the end the only choice. Hurt that he said the things he said to me and maybe even the things I said to him. I feel like something was tooken away from what could have been. And for some reason I feel like I should forgive someone or something, this process of moving on.

I sit here and I think to myself, "how on earth am I supposed to let go of him?" If I let him go Im letting all the dreams all the thoughts all the feelings I had for him. I have never had to do this before. If only if only. If, if, if, and only if.

You would think that living in the same world at the same time wouldnt compare with falling in love with someone from a different era in time and having the imposibility to be with each other. The only thing is I feel like that. Its like the miles we live each other is the years keeping others a part.  Why oh why did I have to care about someone it was impossible to be with? I dont know how this will end in the real end. But if I never got the chance to be with him I am not sure if  Iwould believe that anything is possible.

And to think it was only the location that kept us apart. I thought true love could last through anything, including this, but that was before I knew **** *******.