me

No matter how much I want to deny it and forget, I cant. It really had a big effect on me. I went on singing tour this last summer. I was so close to everyone. There a few people here and there that for some reason I guess were supper annoyed with me. I dont understand why. see this was a Christian tour and the whole tour was to be about family not about tour couples "tc's". Those type of things I guess start by flirting.

First off, people say I flirt and like I do that sort of thing like I sleeze...like they see me not as sleeze everyone knows Im not desperate and I never flirt to get a guy. But sometimes its like people misinterpret and it just rubs off as flirting when Im just trying to be nice and play around. I will admit that I understand what flirting is.like before, like as in a few years ago I seriously didnt know I was flirting and today at times I dont sincerely know. But other times I do....As horrible as it sounds I tried to get guys hooked just for my ego and pretend I was innocent. I wanted to know I was liked by all the guys and I guess I created an undercover competition with the other girls.

I never really made a firm stance, like if I really wanted to do this or if I didnt and if I want to stop. I just lived it without thinking.I think because of that my flirting was latched with my personality and my laugh.

I now do not want to flirt with others because I just might have hurt people I loved of course we made up and are fine today but still it hurts me to think I created such vile actions. So disgraceful and hurtful.

Although something hurt me deeper. Some of me and the girls were staying at a host home and I have the hair color blond. I dont know when anyone made blond jokes about me it really hurt. I thought I was different than some ditzy blond; I mean I tried to be smarter and tried to be more witty but yet I guess it didnt help. I mean after all that struggle to be different than the stereotype different groups of people; different people would make fun of me because of my hair color. i guess I live up to my hair color.

I dont know why it hurt me so badly but it did and sometimes still does. Now my hair is brown; I dyed it. I didnt dye it because of insecurity I dyed it because I wanted to just because. So I havent heard that joke for awhile....

Anyway this one night I think kinda destroyed me inside. I felt kinda worthless and really insecure in myself. I love them and they hurt me; they were all just being honest and I guess its true the truth hurts. But they were all talking about how I am so blond and they would laugh about me right in front of me. Then later on we talked about me again. about how my laugh was annoying; almost every time I laughed it was annoying to them . They didnt like it so much that at the end of the tour when everyone got their duct tape awards (the paper plates that have duct tape on them and they say somethng about each tour member would be remembered by I guess) and they gave me mine which said "most likely to literally die laughing". I guess I laughed too much and they looked down on me for it.

And then like that night they told me I was too bubbly and they hated bubbly people. So basically three girls, people that I love and care about their opinion deeply told me that they hated my laugh and my personality and that  they thought I was one of the stupidist blonds they ever met.

I dont know when they said that I just kinda stepped back. I cant change my laugh I cant change my intelligence level no matter how hard I try and I cant change my personality. I just checked out and that was about 4 months ago. Today I still dont know if its alright for me to check back in. i havent laughed or smiled the same since.  I dont know what to do. If Im myself then I dont know, I dont want to get hurt again.