A drag...

SO I have good news and bad news. Lets start with the bad news.....

I dont even know how to begin, lets just say even though I got some of the most life-changing information out of it I still dont know why it has to be this way...although I think I may understand. I might have just lost a best friend, I think I shared something too deep, too sacred. I dont have mentors I dont tell my "pope", stupidity..... And I dunno I share things with my mom, but not this deep..ive never told anyone. Its like my sisns my confessions. I only tell God, I dont know what came over me but I told him and I dunno I learn so much from him and I learned so much about this situation....but now I dont think he has the same respect for me that he did. It makes sense though. I am going to try to get over this loss...no matter how many tears it takes. I was roo vulnerable. I cant believe I let my guard down. I learned another thing, how far I can put a trust into someone. I guess this is a test....I just talked to him yesterday. If he doesnt talk to me for the next week without my intatitive I am going to say....that was too much trust. I wish I still had his trust dont get me wrong, but right now I wouldnt be surprised if he was disgusted by me. And if he doesnt talk to me again.....I will have to find a way to move on and promise to myself to not share something that deep with someone...again.

Anyway...good news. I wouldnt have given up the conversation to learn what I have learned. 1. I compare way to much! I try to impress. Its not about that! Its about the glory of God, not fame. His glory goes beyond all fame. It totally makes sense every talent I have no matter how talented I will give all the glory to God, my determination and faith in what I can do will lead back to Him...I would rather it that way then throwing my pearls to swine, the likes of the world.

I also learned that I am cocky and arrogent because I compare. So you know what no more comparison. My life I want to be an example of what a child of God is. And that makes me happy....Something I havent figured out yet though...is why God sent us to earth you know? why are we here? What joy am I to find in life, or am I to find it in life? I know I am to anticipate Heaven.

Another thing.....I am so far from perfect, before I didnt see how people feel like they are so sin ful they shouldnt be talking to God. I get it now.  I feel like I dont deserve any compassion, but because God allowed me to make choices, my choice is Christ and I know God forgave me so I need to forgive myself.


Right now I am seeing how ugly I really am underneath it all, there is so much I want to change, I dont care anymore about teh bests the betters, all I care about is serving my Lord and living to live. Live to desire. Live to learn. Live to enjoy. Live to adventure. Live to love.