Honesty

I am not me. I want to be me. I am reading this book  called Dare to Desire. It is so blunt so true, I can see clearly why I feel hollow, like someone that is empty. It is almost like I found the answer why my friend Evan has it all together compared to me.

I am not happy because i am not myself. Somewhere down the road I mistook me for being me. I thought I was being me when I really wasnt. I have fallen and now I am in the pit of shamelfullness. I feel like I have died. Before I didnt care about what people thought of me but today I realized I conformed to what I thought people liked. Maybe I thought that everyone liked funn ypeople, people that could make them laugh. And I took that as the only way for me to actually have friends is to be funny. But you see deep down my heart knew and I didnt really see that....my heart knew that I didnt want to be funny I wanted to be me, the outgoing obnoxious crazy person that doesnt come around too often. I didnt want to be weird...I was fine learning how to balance, but when it all began to change  I felt empty...I know I took the wrong path. I think I switched paths when I knew I was growing up I didnt want to obnoxious I wanted to be respectful. Maybe I dont have to be rebelious, see I wanted to be rebelious but now I am not sure if thats really what I want. I dont want to smoke I dont want to get drunk I dont want to feel the emptiness of a rebelious heart. I want to be a rebel but not a worldly rebel. I want to rebel against something though..I dont know what yet....

Anyway the point is I want to be respectful its okay to have authority but I want to say that I want to be me. maybe I am not funny, maybe I am not pretty, maybe I am not mysterious. After all the person I want to be is me. I want to let my heart be wild again..Unleashe the real me, not hold back. I mean come on! God made me like this dang it! So I can be that desire I have in my heart! I am not going to let others change me influnce me to be not me.

I dont want to conform. I am rebelling against conforming! haha, if the shoe fits that is what I am doing.

In reality I cant be anything but my self and quite frankily I dont want to not be myself. I want to be me. And if I do and get what I want than I am going to ask God for his help.

How did this rampage start?...Well funny story, see I remember me and Evan on tour crazy and amazingly insane. He called me last night and I liked how it was that he didnt hold back he knew who he was and he wasnt afraid to be just that. And you know yeah I may like him a little..maybe a lot who knows...in the end I sall as this. I am going to see him during the summer, he knew the real me, I dont want to go to the camp bein ganyone who I wasnt....You know he may find out he doesnt liek me the way I like him at camp regardless. If I stayed fake or I changed back to the real me (I had a dream about all this) he might not still like me. I may not be his type. But in the end its not about impressing him, he is my friend, but its about me its about who I am.

Life is life...I want to live my life for me and being me, not just trying to get the next person to like me. I will tell you what when I find someone who doesnt like me for me I am going to get super excited because that means I have accomplished being me!!!