its a process

Well I have been going on like I have wanted to.ut I am testing my boundaries. I am testing the out theres....I mean of course I may have been scared sometiems not knowing what to do. Its kinda like Im in the middle of this character balancing process and right now I just want to say stop, go back to normal. Be nice sweet and whatever-like again...But you know what I feel like God is telling me to be obstinate. Keep going. Dont give up, dont turn in. I almost there. I have learned so much so far. I mean yeah theres been a few fights...

One thing I have learned that with any authority they each have their own rules and you honor them and respect them by obeying the rules, its not like they are do what I say or you are a horrible child worth scorning...No I mean yeah I may fall but the best way to honor your authority is just obeying for their rules, if they come up with a a new rule, if the rule is silly, if its wierd...well oh well. I can respect them but obeying them. So thats one thing. Like I am not bound to any law, I just choose to obey because that is honoring the authority God lovingly and knowledgably put over me. I trust God.

I know there is more surfaces to test. Like Why should I be nice to people? See something I learned tonight, testing the waters and letting my mind wander, is that my brother is really outgoing and all these creepy guys are like best friends with him..I have wanted to befriend the creepy people becuase they are people and hoping that God could use me in the lives of otehrs that may not feel accepted. I havent done that for awhile because I dont want "guys" in particular to hit on me or think I am flirting with them...because I am not I am just trying to be nice. Maybe I need to find a balance. But the main thing is I dont have that intention and the guys that think I do will get over the "does she like me question" after they know me and know I am just an outgoing person. I mean yes there is some things I should refrain from....But I dunno if I see the guy as a brotehr and they see me like that..why not?

Another water I am testing. Guys in general. Mayeb they do like me maybe they dont. But the one thing I do need try cease is the constant subconsience of "I wonder what guy is looking at me, I wonder who likes me, will they like me in the future, do the y like me" ANd you know what if the guy does like me...then guess what he likes me. He will probably get over it and if he doesnt well life is life God will give the guy the guys soul mate and then I wont have to be concieted. Honestly, I get so like upset when I guy thought that liked me hangs around a constant girl really into her...but you know what that is just fine. Isnt that okay? I mean it is true that not everyone is gonna like you...but maybe its also true that not every guy is gonna "like" you. So I just need to get comfortable with concept...so testing the waters....

Of course there is so much I learn, its almost like sometimes I learn too much that I forget what I am learning. Kinda funny actually. I need to slow down. But seriously I dont know how to, its like all coming at once and I want to catch every opportunity to learn...But I guess its like a cycle it will eventually come back around the planet home and make its way across the galaxy.

To be completely honest, again, what I really want to get out of this whole testing teh waters....is basically plain and simple, finding that really as a Christian I am not bound to any law and I am free to sin free to disobey. In the end, and what I am already starting to realize, what I will find is that the conviction of my right wrong comes from the Holy Spirit inside of me. So for now I am staying obstinate, praying for obstiance and cordination for staying on this route and not wavering. I feel like my heart wants to waver and turn and run away but I am trying with all my might to keep my weight in this area and keep my feet steadily walking forward on this road.Its pretty tough to stay obstinate but I know that after I have found this truth I will also be wiser in my obstinace as well.

God has a time for everythin gand He knows how much I can handle, he knows the desires of my heart, and He understands the struggles I am facing. He has faith in me, his child, He believes in me. He knows my hearts intention and He kmows my limits, He trusts that I can get through this, and with the strength He gives me when I run out, I know I can too.