Life all around is telling me theres no more. There is nothing more to be excited about. NO more challenges to face. No more new adventures. No more new people to meet. No more life. I hear it, I see it, I smell it, I feel it. And I hate it, there is more. I will not give in. Its so easy to just chill. I may not know which way to turn but one thing I know is that whatever I do my life will not cease to be excited because of circumstances. It seems like that is really the problem. Circumstances. They are holding me back. They havent before so why are they now? I cant allow it any longer and I refuse to allow it any longer.
Now why all of a sudden this outburst? Kingman.Currently I am realizing that Kingman is small and dull. Its a laid-back boring population. I dont know why...And I cannot stand it. Yes there is other people like me out here amoungst all the tumbleweeds...we just got together and make something out of what we got. Of course, I will not stay here for much lonegr I now only can feel it I know it, but as long as I ma here I gotta make something for me to really live for. I am not just one that can hope for the future. I am a girl thats gotta take life as she goes and then at the same time know that the future holds great promises as the day she is in now.
I have lived in the past. I thought about the experiences, the plays, the performences. Evrything from the past has linegred in my mind at a time. Wh at I found was that I am not living but recalling. Yes, yesterday was great but that was yesterday I cant ever relive those moments and every moment I spend more in those memories I lose one minute to live and anticipate what is happening.On the other side I have tried living in teh future. Seeing me in the future, living, singing, performing, dancing, acting, witnessing. But what I found there was that I was too busy daydreaming to accept and agree with my current status. I wanted more now and all I did was sit and think about what would happen tomorrow when tomorrow was yet to come. I want to find a way to anticiapte today. I know some answers on how to live really live. Not live the normals others do..because thats not me. Not accept all the praise from yesterday and not moving on. Thats not me.
The keys? Acting. In a play with a group on a stage in a performance. The essence of the stage and the brilliance of characters, its not only an activity to me its my life. Dancing. I cant not move and feel alright, I gotta get out there and dance...maybe its for the feeling of beauty or even the foolary. Whatever it is..its worth it to me. Learning. The kind of learning that keeps me on the edge of my seat and fascinates me. Performing in front of an audience. No matter what otehrs can do or say about themselves or me, I cant help it that I need a stage to get by. I need that center of attention to know that really I am alive....What I found odd but probably essensial was that other actors can look out into the audience while performing to see "whos there". Me? I dont need to. As long as there's an audience Ill give it all I got without one eye on the crowd.
How am I to get from today to life? I think that answer is found in what is my today? What do I do? My life today. I am homeschooled, meaning I am home alone without peers and socialization doing my school online. I live 15 minutes out of town, that means that its hard for me to get into town especially with an 84 suburban. I have three little sisters that I sometimes babysit. My activities....Weekly. I go to church on sunday and thursday. My brother sometiems comes out here to hang with his family. On Wednesday nights my sisters have awana, either I go to sing with a friend or I just chill with my parents doing errands. Beyond this every otehr day or so me my mom and dad and littlesister go into town around-and-about doing errands. I occasionally go on youtube and upload singing videos. Thats my life today. I cant live like this anymore. I cannot keep living to see otehrs dreams accopmplished. I am being patient for what is to come. I am. But While one is being patient it doesnt mean they sit around like a mailbox waiting across the seasons for mail to come. Maybe some are...but this passion in me will be ignited. Its not a reason of being ready its a reason of opportunity. But then again I do not live for the motto, wait till opportunity comes around. Maybe that wont come, thats when I say, I am making this opportunity.
Opportunities come and go. Life is still life no matter how dull its being lived. My theory, life isnt a life without living. Therefore whether theres opportunity or not I cannot stand still or go around doing all these endless tasks for no purpose. So its necessary; an opportunity and a purpose. This is the drawing board and my heart has its own imagination. This is tuff I must admit, but in other words I am creating my opportunities till I can take up some. I may be intiating a community actor group, I am going to get a job, I am going to start using my permitt and driving, I am going to school for those two months of the high school production, I may be starting a social group or something of the like...it could work, I may be getting a band together, and I just may be moving to Washington in the summer and going to a very influencial music camp this summer. I am raising the stakes enough 2009-10. I am ready for a 2011. Welcome to living again Alyssa Dunham and welcome to the show America and countries. Here I come and I am raising the stakes with me.
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